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It's 12:43 a.m.

I should have been asleep hours ago.

My hands have been shaking all goddamned day.

I've been feeling nauseous lately, but I've been told that's normal.




What the ******** do they know about normal, anyway?




I've got a quilt wrapped around me. It's something like 81 degrees out right now, but I'm freezing to death. There was a storm going on earlier, like the ones movie studios fake for scary movies. Flashes of light, thunder that shook the windows... It was pretty bad. It's all quiet now, though. Which is good, because I have a long day ahead of me. I've got work and, after that, another appointment to go to.


Oh, the joy that is my life.



My eyes are burning. My hands aren't shaking as much anymore, though. I'm so tired but I can't sleep. There's a pain in my chest, like a hand pressing down directly in the middle of it, closing its fist around my heart tighter with each beat.


12:48 a.m.


I really have to get to sleep. Whenever I lie down in bed, though, I feel wide awake again. The only noise I have is the soft tick-tick-tick of my clock, and that's not a good thing to try and fall asleep to. Reminds me too much of how much time I have left. I can't sleep with the TV on. It's too bright. I need total darkness when I sleep, but I can't take the silence.

I need my ******** radio back.


My dad came back from vacation last week. He got me a souvenir: a small snowglobe with a pirate's skull inside. When he goes to Cancun this Sunday with the rest of the family, I wonder what other meaningless, thoughtless, uncaring little trinket he'll bring back for me? Maybe he'll send me a postcard with "Wish you were here!" written on the back. That's funny. I'm funny.

12:52 a.m.


I have to leave for work in about five hours. I wish I were tired... Then I could get some rest. I know I'll be going back and forth all day tomorrow, as I usually am, running all over Madison Avenue and Christopher Street, back and forth from the Passport Office to the main office. Maybe I'll get some sleep during my lunch break. God knows I'm going to need it. I really don't want to work overtime tomorrow, either... I've been doing far too much overtime lately.


12:55 a.m.

I think I'll go downstairs and drink some water. That might help. My head is pounding. You know what helps with headaches? Crying. It's worked for me before. Plus, blaming your crying on headaches is always a good excuse. People don't question it often. If you just say you have a really bad headache, people think, "Oh, he just crying because his head hurts so much." They won't look further into it. I just might cry myself to sleep tonight. It can tire you out pretty quickly. Yeah... that sounds like a good idea.



1:00 a.m.


I'm gonna get to sleep now.