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Yes, drama. That pretty much summed up yesterday and the night before it.
For the past five days, i've been out here in Tennessee. Handling various, tedious business stuff. It's been mostly fun, this is the closest i'm getting to a vacation. We just basically drive to a location, look it over, help the guys who actually work there set up some things, and then move on. Fun stuff, mostly. Won't go into details.
But the other day I got a call. From my ex! She saw me in town. Worst case scenario, we'll just say. And she told me "I wanna meet you tomorrow. We need to talk."
Me and her had a very rocky relationship. FULL of nothing but drama, mostly on her end, but my situation didn't exactly help. It was a very hard relationship, but she was one of the most important people in my life. She still is, though we rarely talk.
But basically, she was the reason we broke it off. It was -not- a clean break, either. It was a very harsh break for me, she didn't care at the time. Well, i'm personally over it. (But that's only half the situation.) But after a year of us having parted, she looked me up again. Long story short, she then wanted to get back with me. She realized she did love me, and realized how terrible the break-up she did on me was. She was full of regret and love for me once again. But I kind of shooed her off.
So picture that. That was one hell of a worrysome night for me, wondering what in the world she would have to really want to talk to me about. What if she wanted to get back together? That alone would be a load to consider. I won't go into details...
Well, we met the following day. I'll try to keep this short.
She, ah, said she wanted to live with me. Her life, apparently, has fallen down into a dark place. Not to my surprise, she also expressed she does still love me, and does still want to be with me, despite being with someone else. (Yes, I did ask why she didn't suggest living with the guy she was with, she gave a long list of reasons why it wouldn't work.)
Basically, she wanted to abandon her past/current life to live/be with me.
BIG DRAMA.
I would be inclined to tell her no, to tell her to try harder to fix her life on her own. But part of me, i'm very certain, still loves her and cares about her and wants things to be easy for her, and wants her to be happy. That was the nature of my love for her from the beginning, that'll never go away. So, what would be best to do? I'd hate to forsake her and later hear that she did something drastic... (She's suicidal. She was back then, I doubt that's changed now. And she's always been terrible at handling her own drama. I was her crutch)
What to do, what to do... My life isn't exactly smooth sailing. I don't know if her situation/way of thinking would be healthy in my kind of life. And I don't think she would be healthy for me, especially with my way of life. She's like a landmine of trauma with me. When we parted, I told her i'd think about it. I'd make my decision by the time I was done with business here in Tennessee. I just don't know what to do right now. x___x'
I'm probably making this sound more dramatic than it is. I should probably just calm down, it's probably not that big of a deal. I just worry, is all... Paranoid b*****d, I am. I hate how much I worry. I hate how much I overthink things. I hate it. I HATE IT. I can't help it. Hng...
 edaaz · Mon May 12, 2008 @ 02:51pm · 1 Comments |
