I can't understand the world as it is. It's like I need to piece it together little by little. But by the time I get it full, it falls apart. I thought I understood everything that I need to. But I learned that I have SO much more to learn and I don't like it. Not in the least. I need a place where I can go by myself. A place filled to the brim with peace. With no one around. I need a place that can take me into my soul and let me think deep. I can't really think that deep anymore. Everything around me is falling apart. And right now, I feel like there's nothing I can do about it. But the more I try to be my best, someone or something drags me down back to where I began. I seriously don't know what to do. Back then, when I was young, I always had someone to talk to. To tell my pain to. To confide in. But now, everyone seems to far away that I can't reach them. I can't even whisper to them without someone hearing and making things more complicated. I feel alone, abandonded, lost and cold. I feel that if I don't care anymore I'll turn into some monster that kills. That I won't love like I have loved before. I need someone right now. I'm so miserable. I need to be with someone. But wait....didn't I just say that I need to be alone? But I'm tired of being by myself. I don't like it and I want someone there with me. But at the same time I want to be so alone....so no one will find me. Not now. Not tomorrow. Not ever. ARG!! I don't know what it is that I want anymore. But the important thing I need to know is, what it is that I desperately need. I mean, I want a lot of stuff. I want to be left alone when I'm mad. But the real question is, do I 'need' someone to be there for me while I'm mad? So that person can calm me down? I don't know. I just am so confused. I need someone that will always be there for me. When I 'need' them. I want them to look me in the eyes and ask me what's really wrong when I say I'm fine. I feel insecure. I feel ashamed. I feel....alone. But at some point in time, I know it will end. The tears will stop falling from my eyes and my heart will be okay again. But I don't know if I can wait that long, till the time is up. I want it to be soon. There I go again with wanting things. I want and I need things. I never really realized everything I wanted till now. I want a s**t load of things. I want a lot of things that I know I will never get in a life time. I want and want and want....but do I really need it?
Lovelessxx00 Community Member 
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