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song+ No song, just Leperachanos snoring
book+ Half Blood Prince =D
scent+ Nay
quest+ having time to do quests -_-
upper+ Seeing me luff soon; hopefully working at World Market?
downer+ living in a nut house ... again
attire+ clothing type things
chat+ Noo ;.;
drink+ Nay
OH. MY. GOD.
Well, hi everyone. =D It's me again! You remember, right? sweatdrop
Well ... I'm living in the crazy house again. My aunt got a new computer >_>; and she wants me to type up her resume seeing as how she was recently fired ... AGAIN. o_o It's a really nice computer, but I think it's a bit rich of her to be showing it off to us when she knows we're (we're = mum and me) poor as church mice. -_-
Anyhow I should be working on her bloody resume, but I also decided to use this opportunity to let the world know I'm still alive, and also to make a new screen name so that I can (hopefully) use the Internet once in a blue moon on the other computer. -.-
I miss everyone so much. ;.; I thought once I moved back to Texas that I'd be able to see everyone all the time, but it seems like it will always be hard until I move to Arlington. x.x Speaking of which, you may be wondering where I've been.
Well, for a while I was merely forbidden to use the Internet. o_O Then Peep called the police and told us we had to leave, even though she knows we don't actually have any other place to go. What a nice aunt. ._. ( Aunt Marge indeed xD ) Anyhow my mum's friend said we could stay for a bit, which we did. (This was in Mansfield .. again) But it was really really awkward, since I didn't know this person and really, mum didn't either. Well, after a lot of complications having to do with this guys girlfriend feeling threatened by our presence, and the landlord deciding that we couldn't stay afterall, we wound up back at me aunts. -_- She says we can stay for a couple of weeks, so yay. ._. ..
Anyhow. Today has been verrah quiet. I've just been filling out some job applications, ect. Employment is grand! I feel confidant that out of the eight billion applications I've filled out, at least one should get a reply. *resolute nod* And I watched that movie, Little Buddha .. xD I heart that movie. Tomorrow I'm dropping them all off, and if we have time we might see about le Sleepy Hollow apartments. *le nod* It would be most awesome to live there, but also very strange seeing as how I've lived in that one area since I was the wee age of 6, and my whole life I keep getting pulled back to it. xD
I've decided to go to college. ^o^; For law enforcement. I want to be a history teacher .. but mum says I would do better as a police officer. I just don't fancy the vast amounts of paperwork .. but really, I guess you have to do that for both careers, right? I still want to do ministering .. but that will have to be a side project.
I've been highly depressed without my Ryuukun. ;.; I've also been feeling .. -_- .. .. I dunno, disgusted with myself. It seems like no matter what I do I will never be okay with myself. -_- I look in the mirror and all I see is imperfection. I have the insane notion that I have to compare myself to ridiculously beautiful people, and if I'm not up to par with them I am nothing but a lowly insect. I realize after reading Umichan's journal me and her have been having similar issues. I rarely weigh myself, because I try not to get all obsessive about it. >_> But I can't help it. I weighed like .. 127 or something at dads. I checked it yesterday and it said 110. .. O_O; I dunno. Is this healthy? It seems like .. I dunno. I can never loose enough. At 115 I said if I get to 110 I'd be happy. But now I've become stuck on the idea that at 105 I'll be "happy" ( whatever that means. )
.. I have to be more realistic. -_- No one cares. I'm obsessing about something I shouldn't be. But.. -_- Lately, especially without Ryuukun .. I've felt sort of like I'm drowning. I dunno how to describe it besides that. Mum says they're panic attacks. It feels sort of like .. well, like I'm disconnected from everything. Then I suddenly *realize* where I am, that I am .. while simultaneously realizing that I am NOT, that I don't really exist, that it is all an illusion. I feel like I'm taking it all in for the first time and it's too much, like a balloon about to burst. I feel like my spirit or soul or whatever is jumping out of my skin, and I start panicking because I also suddenly realize that I am going to die. Not today, but eventually, and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. And sometimes if it's bad, I want to cry, because I realize the impermanence of everything and how everything I love in the world will die as well, and all I can do is stand by and watch. Then after an imagined moment, usually, everything becomes very clear, very remote, and I feel so disassociated from the world that I just want to curl up in a corner and cease to be.
Dramadrama. -_- But it's true.
Anyway. Then I usually go back to being obsessed about my appearance. I'm so bloody sick of my skin. Arg. I can't stand my complexion .. so damn pale. Every blemish seems even worse due to the contrast. *sulk* I wish I was born with darker skin. When I was young, I was naturally tanned dark, and my hair was bleached blonde by the sun. But now I'm this little pale wraithling vampire. -_;
Bleh. Anyway. Dramadrama. Excuse me. I am lucky, I have a roof over my head and people who luff me. So I shall cease with the obsessive-ness. And I should really get working on that resume as auntie will come home and be all Bitchy McBitch at me for not being productive. -_-
On Tiw's Day I get to see my Ryuu for three whole blessed days, yay! I have been absolutely sick without him. ;_;
I hope I get to see everyone soon, I miss all mah peoples! ;_;
 The Viscount · Sun Jul 24, 2005 @ 11:03pm · 7 Comments |
