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A few months ago if you asked me about moving. I could of told you with 98% sincerity that I wanted to go back home. Which looking back you can understand why, I was dumped, living alone, had no real friends in the area, no family, my only life was literally going to work everyday. I kept ending up delaying my move, first I wanted to fix my relationship, then I didn't want to break my lease and get bad credit, combined with I liked my job and didn't want to lose the only thing I had to show for my two years down here.
Then it became a time game, I just had to wait out my lease. I had a few moments where I nearly just quit and left. But seriously, every day I got to that point something nice happened. Two different times on the day I nearly quit my job I was given associate of the month. Then I started hanging out more with people outside of work, so that made me hesistate still.
Weighing both aspects of what moving has to offer me. This is what I conclude,
Moving BACK:
I'll most likely get downgraded at work and have to start over building my work reputation. -Negative.
I'll be able to see my best friend again. +Positive.
I'll be back where I started. -Negative
I'll be able to see my sick parents again. +Positive.
The actual move is a huge planning, and finacial hassle. -Negative.
Staying HERE:
I'll likely be upgraded at work. I've already been noticed as a good employee and have a chance at a supervisor postion. +Positive.
I can't see my best friend often. -Negative.
I can't see my sick parents often. -Negative.
I'll be able to hang out with a cool friend at work. +Positive.
Realisticly though, it's only a friend. -Negative.
I won't become broke from temporary loss of job and move. +Positive.
CONCLUSION?
Moving back gives me three negative points, and two positive points. Staying here gives me three negative, and three positive points. It's a hard choice to weigh either way. Though, I have to place more importance on family, and friends. Ultimately I'm completely confused and just unsure of the best course of action.
No matter what I do, there is going to be regret someplace. It absolutely is driving me insane. I have groups of people tugging me both ways. All my friends and coworkers at work are tugging me to stay. All my remaining friends from back home, and parents are urging me to come back. So ultimately I'm going to dissapoint one group.
I could base my choice on what would make me happy. But honestly, I don't know. I want to honestly have both worlds. I want to be with my friend and parents back home. But I want to continue working where I do, and hanging out with my new friend down here.
This is complete and utter bullshit. I don't know what to do. I keep hesitating either way, I can't make an action. I don't know what would be best. Right now I go through periods of being happy down here, and periods of being really really sad. But what would be different back home? I'll hang out with my best friend again. I'll see my parents.
But before when I lived there. I wasn't happy, the area was crap. Everyones idea of a good time was drinking. Cops would pull everyone over for nothing, and then I got in trouble and was labled a bad person. Then at home my sister bad mouthed me for not having a job. I couldn't afford gas to drive to even get a job and my parents couldn't help. I'd go through periods of weeks where I wouldn't even see my friends because I lived so far out of the way. Then, I became love sick and only wanted to go be with my exgirlfriend. I wanted to leave and start over. Staying home, everyone knew me and had formed ill opinions of me. Girls wouldn't even give me a chance, I was friend only material. Plus there wasn't any that I really even liked.
Though on the other hand down here. Everyone has a good opinion of me. But my only life is working. I don't see my family, but am out of the enviroment of drinking is the only thing to do. I haven't had trouble with the law here or anything. Yet, I'm still not getting a chance and am only friend material to girls even here. At least the ones I don't find annoying, and actually like.
Things may be different moving back. I won't be near my family, and will be on my own. I'll be closer to my old friends, but a lot of my old friends aren't even around anymore. I've lost touch, I have my friend Jacob. But how do I know I won't end up alone yet again?
Fecking a! Seriously, I don't know. I've stayed here to long. I've become attatched. But I don't want to be here alone. I've got friends, but I freaking need something more than friends. I need reliability, I need something someone to count on.
I've got that back home. But I can't say for certain that's even what I'm looking for. What if when I get back nothings changed? What the hell do I do then? Usually right now I'd get all into morals and philosophical bullcrap. But I honestly don't have a clue right now.
This isn't cool.
~DJ Bothwell
 XDvandalDJ · Sat Jan 19, 2008 @ 03:13am · 2 Comments |
