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If Your Child is a Goth, Reform Through the Lord!

Listed below are some warning signs to indicate if your child may have gone astray from the Lord. Gothic (or goth) is a very obscure and often dangerous culture that young teenagers are prone to participating in.

The gothic culture leads young, susceptible minds into an imagined world of evil, darkness, and violence. Please seek immediate attention through counselling, prayer, and parental guidance to rid your child of Satan's temptations if five or more of the following are applicable to your child:

-Frequently wears black clothing.
-Wears band and/or rock t-shirts.
-Wears excessive black eye makeup, lipstick or nailpolish.
-Wears any odd, silver jewelry or symbols. Some of these include: reversed crosses, pentagrams, pentacles, ankhs or various other Satanic worshipping symbols. I wear Gothic crosses... the religious kind, mind you.
-Shows an interest in piercings or tattoos.
-Listens to gothic or any other anti-social genres of music. (Marilyn Manson claims to be the anti-Christ, and publicly speaks against the Lord. Please discard any such albums IMMEDIATELY.) I hate Marilyn Manson's guts, but I do like metal and goth-rock or whatever they're calling it nowadays.
-Associates with other people that dress, act or speak eccentrically. Are you insulting my friends?
-Shows a declining interest in wholesome activities, such as: the Bible, prayer, church or sports.
-Shows an increasing interest in death, vampires, magic, the occult, witchcraft or anything else that involves Satan. Just because I'm interested doesn't mean I'll do it. x.x
-Takes drugs.
-Drinks alcohol.
-Is suicidal and/or depressed. I think I'm over that now, but I'm not sure yet...
-Cuts, burns or partakes in any other method of self-mutilation. (This is a Satanic ritual that uses pain to detract from the light of God and His love. Please seek immediate attention for this at your local mental health center.) I used to... quite often. But I don't really anymore.
-Complains of boredom. Well, duh. I have no attention span!
-Sleeps too excessively or too little. Insomnia. I'm working on it with doctors! Geesh.
-Is excessively awake during the night. Again, with the insomnia. But it's can't be helped. It's been this way since March 5th, so get off my case.
-Dislikes sunlight or any other form of light. (This pertains to vampires promoting the idea that His light is of no use.) Just because I don't like the sun in my eyes doesn't mean that I think it's of no use... I appreciate the light. So buttons to you.
-Demands an unusual amount of privacy. I'm thirteen! What more do you expect?
-Spends large amounts of time alone. See above...
-Requests time alone and quietness. (This is so that your child may speak to evil sprits through meditation.) No, I just like to read manga without people getting in my way.
-Insists on spending time with friends while unaccompanied by an adult. Again, with the thirteen stuff. It's normal!
-Disregards authority figures; teachers, priests, nuns and elders are but a few examples of this.
-Misbehaves at school.
-Misbehaves at home.
-Eats goth-related foods. Count Dracula cereal is an example of this. What? Because I eat Count Chocula, I have to be reprimanded? Oy!
-Drinks blood or expresses an interest in drinking blood. (Vampires believe this is how to attain Satan. This act is very dangerous and should be stopped immediately.)
-Watches cable television or any other corrupted media sources. (Ask your local church for proper programs that your
child may watch.) Ph3ar the evil of Fuse!
-Plays videos games that contains violence or are of a role-playing nature. Bwahaha! Violence!
-Uses the internet excessively and frequently makes time for the computer. That's because I have no life.
-Makes Satanic symbols and/or violently shakes head to music. Headbanging is fun!
-Dances to music in a provocative or sexual manner.
-Expresses an interest in sex.
-Masturbates
-Is homosexual and/or bisexual.
-Pursues dangerous cult religions. Such include: Satanism, Scientology, Philosophy, Paganism, Wicca, Hinduism and Buddhism.
-Wears pins, stickers or anything else that contains these various phrases: "I'm so gothic, I'm dead", "Woe is me", "I'm a goth". I want a "Woe is me" button! Where can I get one?
-Claims to be a goth.

If five or more of these apply to your child, please intervene immediately. The gothic culture is dangerous and Satan thrives within it. If any of these problems persist, enlist your child into your local mental health center.

~St. Mary's Catholic Church