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Ever feel one way, but present yourself completely different? Why do you do it? Why does anyone do it? Most commonly people put on faces of happiness when they are not infact happy. Why? Generally, it's a method of hiding ones feelings. Maybe it's a way to hide a sign of weakness, to avoid a situation and pretend it's not happening, or to not key others in to your woes and thus bring them down.

Personally, as the holidays roll closer and closer. As the days go by, and news of my families heath dwindling. I can't help but feel depressed. This has not infact been a good last quarter of a year. But could you tell there was something wrong with me if you met me on the street?

Nope, I put on a smile and walk about as if there is nothing wrong. Why? See, I'm not exactly sure. Mainly I don't want others to worry about me. I don't want to bring their lives down anymore. Because in reality, the entire world has problems. My issues might be minor compared to some around me, or major. Either way the result of clueing anyone in is negative. They feel negative either way, and the little peppy positive world is taken down a peg.

I know bottling your feelings isn't the right thing to do. The reasoning portion of my brain screams so. I guess that's why I write this journals, it's a medium for me to vent if you will. I guess I just worry to much of others feelings. By nature I'd like to consider myself caring. Especially for close friends. Friends and family is all we have in this world. I'd seriously die to keep my going. After all I've got the least to lose right! rofl ... sweatdrop

Ever wonder what causes us to be the way we are? There are numerous different emotional responses in the world. All varied from person to person. We all cope differently, some seek help in others. Others keep it to themselves. What triggers those responses?

Christmas or just holidays in general are supposed to be the most festive time of the year. Yet it's easy to pick out the bad things and feel bad through the holidays. Of course it's exactly how we make it. If we allow ourselves to feel depressed and look on the negative side of things. That's exactly what's going to happen to us. I continously tell myself that, I try to find things to be happy for. Despite the health problems that keep appearing, despite living alone.

I guess I should truly feel greatful for the friends thats appeared. To the people at work who's invited me into their homes for any occasion. So I do, I do feel greatful, and I do appreciate others caring for me.

However, it's for that reason I keep bottling up more and more of my problems. When someone tries to help, and things are looking good. Then something happens, and they ask a week later "How are you today!" I can't tell them I feel miserable, I can't tell them things aren't ok. I just smile, and say things are going great.

It's like in september, when I was feeling horrible. My mother would call me and ask how things were going or if I was going to go out with someone that night. I'd always say that I planned to. But in reality, spend the evening alone in my apartment. Why couldn't I tell her? Well, she's having serious heart issues. She doesn't need the stress, the fear of losing her son on her mind. She seriously nearly lost it when I called upset about being dumped.

So I'd rather keep it to myself so she doesn't share in the suffering. It's true for every one of my friends. There's actually only a VERY small portion of you who I'll actually open up to. Even then, it's not ever completely how I feel. I only tell someone a portion. Because again, I don't need to stack my problems on theirs.

When did life get so complicated? Do you remember back to when you were a kid? Do you remember dealing with anything we have to do now? The insanity of it all.

I could always just react, and then just explode with all my feelings. Just get the weight of my chest. But then of course, socially that's not acceptable. You can't just freak out and explode. When you really look at it. Society dictates a lot of why and how we do things. We're all set to a set of rules, on how to act. How to feel, and what to say. It's really just linked to our strange concern of others perception of us. We care so deeply how others see us. That we do crazy things.

Just look around the world at various cultures. Things acceptable other places, aren't acceptable here and vice versa. What would we do if the restraints was lifted? If anything was go for a while. How would the world act, how would we be? It's more likely that it would just be chaos. One persons way of solving problems, creates problems for another. It's a vicious cycle that we can't get out of.

Of course if you look at the world in entirety. You realize that your problems are minuscule in the whole picture. But can we really judge them as such? Just because one person is upset of their pet dying, and another over their home burning down. Can we really say which is worse? Why does our human minds even focus on worth, and the size of things? Why does it matter? Shouldn't all problems be looked upon to emotional, and physical truama they inflict upon a single person?

We all take things differently. We all react differently, what hurts you, might not hurt me. But what is the deal with others saying "You think THATS bad. MY problems are much worse!"

Ever wish you could fix things in the world? Realize you can't, feel sad, and then put on a smile to carry on your day. Just so none could be the wiser?

We all wear masks in one form or another. Think about it.

~DJ Bothwell