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Jeff Dunham: You mispronounced my last name!
Peanut: I knooow!
Jeff Dunham: It's "Dunham".
Peanut: Not when you look at it. It says "Dun-HAM." "Jeff Dun-HAM." "HAAAAM!" You're the other white meat.
Jeff Dunham: Don't confuse everyone, it's "Dunham".
Peanut: It says "Dun-HAM." "Ham, Ham, HAAAAM."
[makes pig noise, cow noise, and chicken noise]
Peanut: Jeff Dun-HAM... dot com! Jeff Dun-HAM... dot com!
Peanut: And... and you know... you know when you think about it for a second it says actually "Jef-fafa" Dun-HAM... dot com!
Jeff Dunham: What?
Peanut: Jef-fafa.
Jeff Dunham: "fafa"?
Peanut: You're using an unneeded F. Jef-fafa... Dun-HAM... dot com! Am I pissing you of-fafa? Jef-fafa? Dun-HAM... dot com. You know, the weird part is I am actually pissing him off!
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Jeff Dunham: So what's your question? And be nice.
Peanut: Okay. Ummm, you're a jalapeño.
José Jalapeño: Si, Señor. On a stick.
Peanut: Right. And you're a Mexican jalapeño.
José Jalapeño: On a stick.
Peanut: Right. Are you a legal Mexican jalapeño?
[audience laughs, Jeff stares at him]
Peanut: What? What did I say?
Jeff Dunham: This is not the appropriate time or place to ask that!
Peanut: Too late! HA HA HA HA! So José, are you legal? Are you legal? Are you legal? Are you legal? Are you legal? Lega-lega-lega-lega-lega... lega... lega... le... lmmm?
[Jeff looks at him sternly]
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Walter: [referring to his argument on the phone with his wife] You heard a little of that, didn't ya?
Jeff Dunham: Oh yeah.
Walter: I hung up on her.
Jeff Dunham: Not good.
Walter: Yeah. She called back and she's like "Did you hang up on me?" I said "I don't know, did it sound something like this - CLICK!"
Jeff Dunham: Did that make her angry?
Walter: Oh, I felt a disturbance in the Force!
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Peanut: [about Jeff's wife] She's not exactly bad-looking.
Jeff Dunham: No.
Peanut: She's ho-T. And her prime is now... yours was twenty years ago.
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Jeff Dunham: How are you doing, Walter?
Walter: What the hell happened to your hair? It looks like you were in a freakin' car wreck.
Jeff Dunham: Well, they said it makes me look hip.
Walter: I think it makes you look homeless! Been in D.C. for two days and you're already freakin' homeless!
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Walter: [sees cameraman in the back] Look, it's the CIA. I see you! We can all see you! You know, the show looks a lot better from the front. Is the director drunk? What the hell?
[cameraman walks off]
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[repeated line]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: SILENCE! I KILL YOU!
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Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Knock, knock.
Jeff Dunham: Who's there?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Me, I kill you!
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Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Two Jews walk in a bar...
Jeff Dunham: No. No.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: What?
Jeff Dunham: No.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: What? You don't let Jews in your bar? You racist b*****d!
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Peanut: [about the Blue Prius] That's a tiny little car, isn't it?
Jeff Dunham: It's small.
Peanut: Yeah, I bet to get it in and out you've gotta use a lot of lotion!
[audience bursts out laughing, Peanut laughs]
Jeff Dunham: He he. It's not funny.
Peanut: They are laughing like hell!
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[a cameraman on stage goes directly into Walter's face]
Walter: Holy crap! Wait, wait, come back. This is Comedy Central! I can see Cartman. I can see Kenny. Oh, he just got killed.
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Jeff Dunham: So, José, there are concerns about the border control between the United States and Mexico. Does this concern you?
José Jalapeño: No, señor.
Jeff Dunham: Why not?
Peanut: He's already here! God, you really are an idiot!
Jeff Dunham: So, José, are you here on a temporary visa? Are you here on a work visa?
Peanut: He's here on a stick!
Jeff Dunham: So do you like being in the United States?
José Jalapeño: Sometimes I am afraid for my life.
Jeff Dunham: Why?
Peanut: Taco Bell!
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Jeff Dunham: So, Achmed, where did you come from?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: From your freakin' suitcase! Hahahahahahahahaha! I told another joke!
Jeff Dunham: So if you've been in my suitcase all this time, how have you been getting past security?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: They just open the door and I say, "Hel-looooooooo. I am Lindsay Lohan!"
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Jeff Dunham: So you're Muslim?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I don't think so.
Jeff Dunham: You don't think you're Muslim?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: No.
Jeff Dunham: Why not?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Look at my a**. It says: "Made in China".
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Jeff Dunham: One more superhero: Batman.
Melvin the Superhero Guy: Oh...
Jeff Dunham: What?
Melvin the Superhero Guy: Grown men wearing a rubber suit... hanging around with a young boy! I don't need to have x-ray vision to see what the hell is going on there!
Jeff Dunham: Yeah, I've always wondered about superheroes and their young men sidekicks.
Melvin the Superhero Guy: [stares at Jeff] You have five men in a suitcase and one of them is on a stick! If you had a theme song, it would be, "La lala laaaaaa!"
Jeff Dunham: You know I have a wife and three kids.
Melvin the Superhero Guy: So does Tom Cruise!
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Jeff Dunham: Do you have a weakness?
Melvin the Superhero Guy: Cupcakes... and porn.
[audience laughs]
Melvin the Superhero Guy: Not at the same time! I need a free hand.
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[first lines] [referring to the standing ovation Jeff received]
Jeff Dunham: Well, you can't fool me. I know that every bit of that was really for the little guys in the suitcase.
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[opening scene: Walter, Jeff Dunham, Peanut, Jeff's wife Paige, and José Jalapeño on a Stick are all in bed]
Walter: Aw, kids with their hipping and their hopping and... Pull up your damn pants, you morons!
Jeff Dunham: Second Comedy Central special. It's gonna be great. No, Mommy, I don't wanna wear the pink bow.
Peanut: He even does this in his sleep. Ha! What a freak!
Paige Dunham: Would you idiots give it a rest?
José Jalapeño: [to Paige] Would you like to see my stick?
Paige Dunham: Aaaaaaaah!
 -KoRn- HardyBoyz -Kreep- · Sun Dec 02, 2007 @ 03:17pm · 0 Comments |
