Yesterday was our competition at Southington, and the band as a whole was entirely AWESOME. We got first in our division again and we improved out score by a few more points than last time (improving by a few points between competitions is pretty hard to do.) The colorguard finished all the work for the second movement and we've sort of started on stuff for the third, but since we've only got one competition left, I think that we should make up our own stuff, but I'll get to that later.
But my mind hasn't been thinking about that. Instead, I've been dwelling on my stupidity, fake confidence, and my damn shyness.
I haven't achieved all of my goals from last entry; Although I've finished the second movement, started the third, and kept my smile on my face, I haven't talked to Ben.
I'm actually trying to keep my distance. I mean, I want to talk to him, to be come friends, to become MORE than friends (eventually) but right now, with my feelings and how much I've been thinking of him, I think that it's starting to turn into an obsession, which is the last thing I need. Now, if he ever found out about this obsession, then it could seriously hurt him, which is something I don't want. He didn't start any of this, he doesn't know about how I feel, or my interest, or any of that, so he shouldn't have to deal with any drama.
So I want to NOT "like" him anymore. For his sake and mine.
But I can't.
Last night on the bus ride home, everyone was listening to music, singing along with songs, and some people had their cell phone lights on. He had a pair of aviator glasses and put them on in the darkness, as did my freshman friend Emily. He and her and two sohpmore girls conversed, laughed together, took pictures, and while I just tried to look like I was having fun singing along to the music, I felt jealousy well up inside. I was worried that my eyes were turning green.
No eye contact last night. No words exchanged.
*sighs* Why can't I have a crush on a cute, but nice, freshman boy that I'd actually have a chance with?
Goals: Improve on flagwork for Swing Swing Swing, don't spazz out on the beginning of Spain, talk with Captain about flagwork for Ole' Man River, keep smiling through the parts I forget, forget about Ben, and bring home best in show and best colorguard for Montville.
Next Time: Montville, Saturday, November 3rd. It will be my last show this year, my last time performing with my brother in competition, and my brother's last competition. I'm going to do my best and I will not, I SWEAR I WILL NOT, let ANYTHING get in my way. For my sake, for my brother's sake, for the band's sake, and for.....him.
This is a heartbroken and slightly ashamed Horse lady, singing out.
Katie Sea Community Member 
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