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Last night I was home alone, my grandparents and I were supposed to go shopping but they left me...to go to the church >.> Anyways, so I was alone and since I had nothing better to do I sat at my computer listening to music. Although the majority of the time I was thinking and now I have come to realize something that I should have realized a long time ago - me being alone is a bad thing.
I love to be alone, it allows me to think and that seems to be the worst thing for me. My depression I guess is the reason for it...I don't trust myself alone anymore which sucks cause I love being alone. Not only that but I can see myself easily becoming scared to be alone which is bad for other people (I don't wanna bother people by forcing them to be with me and such).
Past few enteries I was saying how I need Kirk to be happy but I don't think that's it...I need someone around me to stay happy. Not a crowd of people since they piss me off so easily haha but someone, one person to keep me thinking...thinking about other things, not how much I suck and such. When I am thinking clearly I know I'm a good person but when depression takes over (which is the majority of time) I just hate everything about myself.
I still love Kirk more then anything and because of him I am trying so hard not to be negative about myself (I hate being all emo and s**t around him, I hate bugging him x.x). I want to be the best I can be for him...but regardless I know he is there for me - no matter what ^o^
But ya...I dunno how I can like not be alone O.o I still have to figure some stuff out...poo on the world ^.~
 Tama is in my Soul · Sat Aug 18, 2007 @ 02:20am · 2 Comments |
