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been toutured..didn't think iwould be violated this way ever agqain....was forced to do things i did not want to. Was deprived of my personal space and inner self.i am not the same as i was. I can't sleep. his face haunts my dreams.....he litteraly haunts my day....smirking at me as i walk down the hallway...his eyes traveling up and down my body as i go.......my face flushes and i hurry away....never have i been so scared. I used to use my hands to cure.now they only hurt.....i throw a ball to my little brother...he jumps and it hits him in the eye..thus giving him a black eye... I know he shouldn't have jumped and he says it was his fault thought i feel responsible..i should have thrown it softer. I should have refused to play with him. Instead i did now he is hurt., This happened just today.
my wrists beed freely as i cut into them again. the pain vanishing for that moment and letting me feel peaceful. I go to the gym and hit the punching bag till trhe pain is now touturing me. I want to look in the mirror but i cannot bring myself to look at me. I try harder and lok. I gasp.I see a girl...scared adn frightened...one who knows she has hurt herself..anad has a couple secerts..ones never to be told. Her friends see shes changed adn do not bother to help. THey think i will turn them awy...they are mostly wrong......now i need help. I wil not beg I cannot show others how worthless i am. I cant give them the pleasure of knowing i failed myself...i broke a promise to myself....i put my name in disgrace..I am lower than dirt. I was on the top of the mountian...know i am below the soil.....I can let my mom know what happened......I will be kicked out........heh Not much else left..all i have is friends on here and one true friend in real life.... alll that is left is god and my internet friends. I trust nobody else. I rarely trust myself.......
my hands,
they sooth and cure
lies.
my hands,
the kill and tourtue
half-true
my hands,
they hurt and injury
all true.
i don't know what to do.....The devil has taken back my found soul. has turned me back into the darkness....has made me weak...I shall not let you help me...i shall let myself fall farther and farther into the hells hands and drag me under with him..
to die.
 SSJMoney · Sat May 07, 2005 @ 12:48am · 5 Comments |
