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Over the summer I've realized just how distanced I've made myself from others. I've tried being a happier person, but that's pretty much impossible for me since I'm bipolar; one minute I'll be happy and the next I just want to be left alone. On retrospect, that's probably the reason I've become so distanced in the first place.... And now I have people who I know are mad at me even if they don't say it, people who are kind of confused as to my sudden shifts in moods, and people who I get mad at for the simplest reasons!
And lately I've been going into these weird, trance-like states in which I don't have any particular thoughts or feelings; I'm not happy, not sad,... just distanced from everything. And it really hurts me to see how my mom reacts to me when I go in that state. She gets mad at me and at how I "always do this" but I wish that she would just understand that I can't freaking help it. I still haven't told her anything about that though.
A lot of times I wake up gasping for breath, as if I hadn't breathed in hours. Which I possibly haven't. I don't want to go to sleep because I fear that I'll die from failing to breathe in my sleep. I have trouble getting to sleep in the first place because if I force sleep on myself, then my breathing becomes very irregular from concentrating on it. Therefore I usually lay in bed for hours just thinking about random stuff, or... I take the non-healthy method and pass myself out. Don't try this at home, kids.
I seriously need a shrink....
But don't worry, I'm honestly in a good mood right now, I swear! 3nodding
 -Fleeting Infamy- · Fri Jul 13, 2007 @ 06:16pm · 3 Comments |
