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It has finally happened. She was acting all happy (most likely because she gets to take a trip to Six Flags with a group from school) as I walked with her to where I walk to my mom's work and she goes to the bus. As I hugged her and said goodbye, she gave me a note. Well...here it is:

TO: YOU
*opens*
Matt,
Im so sorry about this i really am, but i think its time that we should break up. Im really sorry, but i don't feel the way i did a year ago. I really wanted to litterally tell this to you, but i couldnt do it, this way is easier. Theres someone out there for you, but im very sorry to say its not me. It's going to be hard not to hate me, but don't hate me for following my heart. If i wouldve waited even longer, you would hurt worse. I have a feeling that we wouldnt talk much anymore, so I guess ill see you around...bye matt...

-Caitlin





This ruins everything. There isn't anyone out there for me. She was perfect. I know this for certain. After Valeda broke up with me, I realized all the things I hated about her. The only things about Cait that I hated, was how she was ignoring me. Which...she happened to be doing for obvious reasons. Caitlin didn't come to my party, never got me a present, and broke up with me the day after my birthday. This month will now be known as nothing good, for if I never lived, things would be much better. I wish I would have died when she still loved me.


I called her best friend, mentioned in my last journal entry, Sammie when I had the first chance. As I have said before, she is like a sister, like Valeda now is. But Sammie is more of a friend, because she doesn't annoy and hurt me. After school, because of a misunderstanding, I had to wait to four to leave school, then go to the grocery store. An eternity later, I was home. Sammie talked me out of killing myself. Also, she made me feel better. A lot. I cried, and in fear of my mom finding out, I used a sock as a tissue because none are in my room. Sammie didn't know about it. As I talked to her, I ended up cutting myself. I used a lighter on a knife, and pressed it to my skin. I'm too much of a sissy, so I waited until it had cooled down. Then, after an attempt, stopped for three reasons. Sammie told me not to, the blade was dull, and I didn't want my mom to see it. During the meeting after school hours, my mom had to go to a meeting. As I waited, I rammed myself into a brick wall until giving up. I now have a noticable large bump on the top of my forehead. I also tried punching the brick, but after three punches, I stopped. I tried biting my arm off (don't ask) but my teeth instantly hurt from the braces.


Caitlin was my Tetsusaiga. Until I was ignored completely, I rarely cussed. I was also un-rebellious and never depressed. I have thought about many different futures I could have, but the only one without her ended in me killing myself. The love of my life no longer loves me, and I now have no purpose but for the sake of those who think they need me. You could say, that I am doing the worst thing to myself. Living. Please, for the love of God, write a damn comment.