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Concerning everything...
I am very depressed now...nothing has been going right now for the last few days, though I try to make it seem like nothing is going on; there is...I just can't help but wonder what life would be like without my grandfather, who is slowly passing way...I just can't live without my grandma, who was the only person who understood me, but now that he is passing away...I just don't know- there won't be any daily questions, the sparkly smile, his loving smile...nothing!
I've been crying for the last half hour or so- getting a call from him makes me this way- hearing his voice and knowing he is there is an awesome feeling- but I just can't help but notice that if he dies- I'll be alone...Sure I have a mother-who is there at some point in time, but she doesn't go to the activites I do and such, she is always gone- and I am beginning to wonder why she even bothers to try, when something else comes up that same day, there is always an excuse. She has never once been there for a single athletic activity, not there for any school activity, and yet- not even there for the musical activities...
Sure I can understand; she is a busy mother with 4 children, and one on the way...I even wonder what it'd be like to have a loving father who'd be there to make you laugh, to give you noogies, to smile, and to like the things you like, I wish so bad for a father like that- but I don't have one, and it's sad, because I feel so out of place when my friends talk about their dads and how awesome they are; and I have nothing to say about my family, because there has been no connection whatsoever...I just wish they'd see that they are even lucky to have a father like their's, instead of seeing the neutral thoughts about them, like being grounded and such- I count them lucky to see that, for me...I don't have one, I have a step-father, but his attention has always been drawn to my younger siblings, and he treats me as though I am invisible. He only cares about our financial help and his work, and the younger siblings, for they are still under the age of ten...
But even though they talk about their fathers, it makes me utterly jealous, and sometimes I want so bad to cry, but to cry infront of them is like saying you want pity, and sometimes, I don't want that...You know- I can't even say that my drunken father from Evansdale, he hasn't seen me, as I haven't with him either! I just wish I had somebody like...my friends's fathers...but I...I'm technically alone in this world, and moving away will not help at all, because the only place I ever feel happy anymore- is with my friends, but somehow- I even wonder if they can help ease the pain in my heart right now...
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