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[strike ]Ouch. Big timer.
What's up with this. Why does it hurt so much? It's not like we've been together for two years. I'm not dead or anything, am I? It's not like it was the end of the world.
But it is to my eyes. I'm pretty ******** sure we won't be fixing things, even though that's probably what I want the most in the world right now. I think I'm going to quit my job. I don't feel like working anymore. I don't feel like doing anything else but pout around the house all day. This hurts way too much. I don't understand this. Why would this just end like this? This is stupid. I'm stupid. Why did I have to go mess everything up? Everything was going fine. I think it's because I was upset not seeing Her enough and beeing able to talk to Her and be with Her. I love this Girl. She means the ******** world to me. Maybe I was too attached to Her, maybe give Her some space. Or maybe stop bugging Her with my dumb questions and worries. I mean, I worry way too much. I don't think I'll ever be okay with out Her, because I'm not. I try to tell myslef, convience myself that everything'll be fine; that things will get better. But they're not.
I think on tuesday night, I just went to be able to see Her and talk to Her, even though I knew we wouldn't be able to fix anything. I think I tryied to make myself think that we could. I could ******** care less about what music was playing, who would be there. But, you know what happened? We talked, but about stupid things like funny events or stupid stuff. No, not the stuff we needed to talk about. Not the stuff we told each other we'd be fixing. She didn't even make eye contact with me. I didn't want to talk with any of these people, even though I did talk to them. I just wanted to break down and cry. But I didn't. I mean, how stupid would that look? So I just fallowed them around, being ignored by most of them. When they actually payed attention to me, it was to say that I was quiet or that I didn't do much of talking. But this one girl actually talked to me. It was nice. But I still just wanted to leave in a way but stay because I was with them for once. I mean, the music was great and everything; they were even having a bawl. I guess I was too, at some point where I had forgotten about everything that was going on; when I forgot about them. I mean, they are my firends. I think. They made me feel good when I wasn't so sad. I guess I change when I'm in a different mood. I stay far away and cold; I don't pay attention to what's going on around me, too consentraded on other things I have to do. They walked around, I fallowed, it gave me time to think how much I've been left out in the stuff that they do. Maybe it's because I live too far. Ugh, see that's the problem. People should all live at the same place. It would make things way easier. Ha. Wait that wouldn't work either. Waoh. I really am ranting about stupid stuff that no one cares about.
No one ever notices when I'm sad or bugged by something. I guess I've been sad all week, maybe all month. No one ever notices. Only when I don't say anything or I don't act hypper and stuff. That's the big give away that I'm not okay. I see why.
Maybe I'm just acting hypper all the time. Maybe when I'm acting sad, I'm really happy?
I can't imagin spending more time with them. It's going to be hell at the concert. It's in two weeks. I hope we'll have fixed things alteast enough to be talking about things. And I hope my other friend gets to come with us. It'll be easier for me. I haven't sleeped in hours. Maybe that's why I've been crying alot. I wonder if everybody cries alot like that? Is it healthy? Probably not.. I guess I'm too emotiannal. I'm messed up big time. Why am I taking this so hard? I love Her. That's why. We can't just throw this all away, like what a waste of love. It's stupid. It's a typical teenage break up. Or wait. We're supposedably on a break. I don't think She's ever going to get back with me after this big ranting entry. ******** I'm stupid. I think I'll just turn this into a private post. But I want her to see it, show her how I feel because I'm too stupid to tell Her.
I need to talk to someone. A friend or somthing. But they're all busy. Or they wont talk to me. My head hurts. I think I should be going to bed. I need to talk. No more crying. I need to talk to Her. That's all I've been thinking about this past month. Her.
She might be mad at me for ruining this. She said she was confused. I guess I'm confused too. I want to give Her time to think some more about this. I don't want Her to slowly push me away like it happened with my other friend. I need to stay in touch with Her. I'm going to wait for Her. As long as it takes. I'll be waiting for Her. She needs to be able to trust me. I trust Her. I have to. Because I love Her.
I wonder what She's thinking. Maybe She doesn't care anymore. Because She was sure acting like it that night. Maybe She found someone else? I hope not. I really hope not. I want her to feel the way I feel. I mean I don't want her to be mad or anything, because I'm not mad.
I wonder what the people who are reading this are thinking? They probably think I'm in love head over heals with this Girl.
Maybe because, I am.
We're over. And I'm not dead. c;
EDIT: So. I talked to Her this afternoon. I felt like s**t while I was talking with my Friend and then Her. But they both explained to me that it was going to be okay and cleared out the things. She found someone else. Or She was confused. I totaly understand and I'm right out okay, now that is. I know that we'll become amazing good friends now and I want to be as close with her I can be, as a friend. I hope I'll still be able to sleep over at Her house and not feel akward.
I'm happy again!
 hina-25 · Wed Jun 20, 2007 @ 01:01pm · 0 Comments |
