Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
~ Author Unknown
And on the eighth day God said, "Okay, Murphy, you're in charge!"
~ Author Unknown
Duct tape is like the force.
It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
~ Carl Zwanzig
The chicken came first - God would look silly sitting on an egg.
~ Author Unknown
I used to eat a lot of natural foods,
until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
~ Author Unknown
All generalizations are bad.
~ R.H. Grenier
Murphy was an optimist.
~ O'Toole's Commentary
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
~ Emo Phillips
He's turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable.
Now he's miserable and depressed.
~ Harry Kalas
Love your enemies. It makes them so damned mad.
~ P.D. East
Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.
~ Colin Sautar
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
~ W.C. Fields
If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover spam.
~ Johnny Carson
Plastic surgeons are always making mountains out of molehills.
~ Dolly Parton
The only difference between a Britney Spears video and a spread in Playboy,
is at least the centerfolds know they can't sing.
~ Bono
They say men can never experience the pain of childbirth. They can...
if you hit them in the goolies with a cricketbat for fourteen hours.
~ Jo Brand
The only way to make your PC go faster is to throw it out a window.
~ Robert Paul
All sorts of computer errors are now turning up.
You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.
~ Isaac Asimov
People want to know why I do this, why I write such gross stuff.
I like to tell them I have the heart of a small boy,
and I keep it in a jar on my desk.
~ Stephen King
Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt,
and then having him catch his hand in the drill.
~ Johnny Carson
