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Little Johnny's Mom's Vital Signs
Little Johnny asks his mother how old she is.
Her reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."
Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs.
Again the mother's reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."
The boy then asks, "Why did daddy leave you?"
To this, the mother says, "You shouldn't ask that," and then sends him to his room.
On the way to his room, the boy trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out. The boy looks it over and goes back to his mother saying, "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!!!"
Hamburger Restaurant
A rather attractive woman goes up to the register in an upscale hamburger establishment. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress is cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red.
"Are you theowner?"
she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands."No" he replies, "I''m just the manager."
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him."
She asks, running her hands up beyond his ears andinto his hair.
"I''m afraid I can''t," breathes the manager clearly aroused," he''s in the back doing taxes right now. Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message."
She continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."
If Men Were to Rewrite "The Rules"
Rule # 1 Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.
Rule # 2 If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.
Rule # 3 It is in neither your best interest nor ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.
Rule # 4 You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done -- not both.
Rule # 5 Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.
Rule # 6 Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.
Rule # 7 When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.
UNIVERSTY LIFE FOR MEN
FIRST YEAR Fall Schedule:
MEN 101 Combating Stupidity
MEN 102 You Too Can Do Housework
MEN 103 PMS - Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas
FIRST YEAR Winter Schedule:
MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4AM
MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception
MEN 113 Get a Life, Learn to Cook
FIRST YEAR Spring Schedule:
MEN 120 How NOT To Act Like an a*****e When You're Wrong
MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122 YOU, the Weaker Sex
MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers
SECOND YEAR Fall Schedule:
SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep Without It
SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
MEN 201 How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 202 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down
SECOND YEAR Winter Schedule:
MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211 How Not to Act Younger Than Your Children
MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
MEN 213 Honest - You Don't Look Like Russel Wong - Especially Naked
SECOND YEAR Spring Schedule:
MEN 220 Omitting @..%~&*! From Your Vocabulary
MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Farting is Not Necessary
MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions
MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is Not Considered Foreplay
Top 15 Signs You've Been Out Of College Too Long
15- Your potted plants stay alive.
14- You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
13- 6:00am is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
12- You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
11- You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
10- Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up".
9- You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
8- Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
7- You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
6- Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
5- You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
4- MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
3- A $4 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff".
2- Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, Diet Pepsi & Ho-Ho's.
1- Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
Math Trouble
A little girl was failing math. Her mother enrolled her in Catholic school in the hopes to improve her math grades. During the first marking period, her mother noticed a dramatic improvement in her math studies. The girl would refuse playing with friends and eating dessert after dinner in order to study more.
On report card day, her mother was astonished to see that her daughter got an A in math. She asked her daughter, “Why the sudden change of attitude about math -- do the nuns punish you?” The girl replied, “No, but when I saw the little man on the wall nailed to the plus sign, I knew that this school is very serious about math!”
 - Lil Angel Of Music - · Fri Jun 15, 2007 @ 09:33pm · 0 Comments |
