• Hatred in his eyes.



    I always thought that my first time would be like it was in the movies.

    I always thought that my first time would be pleasurable and enjoyed.

    But I was wrong.

    If only for an instant I could go back to that time I would do so, so as to possibly make it not so.

    If only for a second I could go back I would, if only to change but a small part of that nightmare.

    Not only am I now afraid, I am also ashamed.

    Not only am I now scared, but I am also torn.

    How could I have possibly let this happen to me?

    How could I have possibly let him continue with what he was doing?

    Am I stupid for loving him?

    Am I dumb for not telling anyone?

    I am. I know I am.

    And nothing good will come of this I know.

    Telling is harder than complying.

    Knowing is harder than not knowing at all.

    If this makes any cense to you, I’m grateful

    If it does not then I am truly sorry.

    Sorry for my actions

    Sorry for my stupidity

    And sorry for my lack of respect.

    Never again will I attempt to disobey.

    Never again will I cry for him to stop.

    And never again will I be the innocent girl I used to be.

    For loving him I now hate him

    And for hating him I am punished.

    The look in his eyes tell me that I was wrong

    Wrong in all the most horrid ways.

    But to be wrong I must have to know what it is that is right.

    Not only do I know this now, I knew this before,

    And I continued to ignore that knowledge.

    For what purpose I am only now unaware.

    But if I could go back and change just one thing.

    It would be the way he looked at me.

    Like a piece of meat.

    Like I was his and only his

    I had no say in it and I never will.

    But throughout it all only his gaze mattered to me.

    Only his eyes were of some importance.

    For it was that that I looked to when I was young

    It was his eyes that took me in and soothed me from the nightmares.

    It was his eyes that showed me love, before they showed me pain.

    But I no longer have that to use as an escape from my horrors.

    I no longer can use his eyes to keep myself from crying.

    For it is his eyes that force me to cry now.

    And it will forever be his eyes that send immeasurable amounts of fear into me.

    I will never look at him the same again

    And I hope to never see that look in him again

    But if only once I could,

    I would kiss him

    To show him how much I loved him.

    To show him how much I cared for him.

    But it’s too late for that now

    I have failed

    And I have succeeded

    Succeeded in only making him love me,

    In a way that is hate.